Domestic violence, whether it is referred to as spousal abuse, family violence, or wife battering, is a pattern of learned abusive behavior that is used to control and dominate one’s partner in an intimate relationship. Abuse can take on several forms: emotional and spiritual abuse, verbal abuse, sexual, physical and psychological abuse. Domestic violence occurs in every culture and sexual orientation, whether married, separated, divorced or single, rich or poor, uneducated or educated. Bottom Line: Domestic violence does not discriminate–it occurs consistently all over the globe. Sadly, 1 in 3 women around the world had been beaten or forced into sex during their lifetime (National Institute of Justice and the CDC).
You Are Not to Blame
According to Violence Against Wives by Rebecca and Russell Dobash, the earliest laws relating to marriage were established by the Romans. The laws forced women to conform to their husband’s every whim, wish and demand. Roman men were allowed to beat, chastise, divorce, or kill their wives for any behavior the husband deemed inappropriate.
Medieval Christianity sanctioned violence against wives. Marriage manuals published by the Medieval church “advised Christians on the importance of the subordination of women and prescribed the use of flogging so that husbands could maintain appropriate moral order at home” (Violent No More, Paymar, p. 36).
Medieval European culture and English Common law shaped spousal culture in the United States. Legal standing for a wife in the U.S. allowed for husbands to beat their wives for various reasons. It wasn’t until the late twentieth century when those laws were finally repealed and officers were given the authority to arrest men who beat their spouses.
The residual effect of the Middle Ages reverberate into Islamic countries where women are often beaten for not wearing a veil over their face and/or scarf over their hair. “In some Jewish Orthodox communities a woman cannot get a divorce without the agreement of her husband” (Paymar, p. 38). Women are burned in India if they are unable to bring an acceptable dowry into their new families. Women in Afghanistan cannot work, get an education, or leave their home without a male escort. There are Latin American cultures where husbands are allowed to have mistresses while the women are shamed for engaging in the same behavior. Additionally, jealous rage is an acceptable defense for a man in some Latin countries to justify assault or murder against a woman. “Southeastern Asian women and girls are virtually enslaved in brothels, coerced into providing sex to local men” (Paymar, p. 38). The examples go on and on.
The aforementioned examples illustrates patriarchal domination as the linchpin of domestic violence. Whether it is in the family unit or the corporate world, male-driven social control is everywhere, and the root cause of domestic violence. In the U.S. alone, male batterers make up 95% percent of domestic violence cases (U.S. Dept. of Justice). Additionally, in the U.S. over “sixteen hundred women are killed by their husbands and boyfriends, and a woman is raped every five minutes by a stranger, acquaintance, or husband” (U.S. Dept. of Justice).
Michael Kimmel, author of Manhood in America, asserts that the root cause goes beyond a man having a personal or family history associated with domestic violence. Kimmel states that it is “really the cultural legacy” that men carry with them without even realizing it. Kimmel argues that this cultural historical legacy is like a “knapsack of privilege” that men carry, and many are either blindingly or knowingly abusive with it.
Sometimes the “knapsack of privilege” that a man wears is living in a sexist society and getting away with rape or abuse or derogatory treatment, other times it can be as subtle as walking down a street alone at night, when most women would have some legitimate concern about walking alone at night.
Violence against women will diminish when men relinquish the notion of having a superior position over women. Countless studies, including a 2013 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, conclude that men experience a lower self-esteem when their partners succeed, much lower than when they failed. The study also revealed that women on the other hand, do not experience the same loss of self-esteem. Many men, in other words, feel inadequate as a man when they are economically and/or intellectually outperformed by their partner. According to Safe Haven Ministries, one of the reasons men batter is from the loss they feel when they are outperformed by their partner. However, with focused applied intention, batters can change!
Here are some tips men can use to transform themselves and produce a positive impact on their family, community, and culture:
Seeking nonviolent means to resolve conflict (from the wheel of nonviolence).
- Negotiation and Fairness: Be willing to change, to compromise, to find ways that are mutually satisfying within the relationship.
- Nonthreatening behavior: Allow your significant other to be who they are without making them feel threatened or belittled over it.
- Respect: Listening to your spouse non-judgementally, value her opinion, affirm her emotions. Be understanding.
- Share Responsibilities: Agree on a fair distribution of work.
- Economic Partnership: Make financial decisions together. Make sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.
- Honesty and Accountability: Admit being wrong, accept responsibility for your actions, communicate truthfully and openly.
- Trust and Support: Support her goals, respect her right to her own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions.
Commit yourself to respect, nurture, encourage and uphold you and your spouse’s physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and psychological well-being, each and every day.