“Take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” -Elie Wiesel
Thousands of victims per day are typing in, “How to Stop Domestic Violence”, to get help. The fastest way to put an end to domestic violence is leaving the relationship, full stop. The sooner you leave the relationship the quicker the violence will end. But, what comes next? How do you deal with financial dependence or financial entanglements? What if children are involved? How do you deal with a crazy ex who will not take “no” for an answer? Leaving an abusive partner is hardly an easy task. Sometimes the easy part is walking away, but dealing with the aftermath is almost always complex.
Step 1 – Assess Your Abuser: Speak Out or Sneak Out.
Ditch the shame or any other emotion that’s holding you hostage. Ditch your abuser’s image in the community. Your suffering is not worth it. Inform your community, friends and family about the abuse. Maybe you don’t want to get police involved in the beginning, however, you need to inform your community. Many abusers back off when their dirty laundry is aired out. Abusers usually start behaving right when they know their partner has no problem letting other people know that they’re being abused. Most of the time abusers behave when they know people are watching. Let him have it by airing out his dirty laundry.
However, if you believe that airing out his dirty laundry will cause more harm to you, sneak out! Then, when your safe, air out his dirty laundry. Make sure that you coordinate with a shelter or people you love, so that when you do sneak out, you have everyone and everything you need with you.
If you don’t speak out, one way or another your ex-abuser will continue to abuse others after you. Hold him accountable!
Step 2 – Get Help. Pursue a Healthier You!
You need more than a job and a place to live. You need emotional support, and you need therapeutic activity. You need to heal. You need to untangle the emotional, spiritual, and traumatic knots by pursuing therapy, which includes living a healthy lifestyle. Drinking, drugging, screwing, partying, vegging out in front of a screen, or scrolling for hours isn’t going to improve the quality of your life. Heal that trauma by getting support, thinking positive and doing things that are healthy and constructive. You need be good to yourself, let go of the past by doing things that will increase your mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing.
Step 3 – Strength in Numbers: Insulate Yourself from Toxicity. Join a Safe and Supportive Community.
Insulate yourself from toxic people and toxic thinking by immersing yourself in a community of people who are readily available to support you, who value you, and where you find purpose in life. For instance, if you’re a person of faith join your local Church, Synagogue or Mosque, etc. Actively participate in a community that honors the same beliefs and values as you do. Isolating yourself from strong communities will leave you vulnerable to abusers. Additionally, remove yourself from social media if it’s keeping your spirits down or causing emotional pain. If Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous is your thing, then immerse yourself in that community. You cannot function at your best or at your safest without a supportive community behind you, one that you love to participate in. Supportive communities are the building blocks of individual healing, safety, and flourishing.
You are not alone! Support is just a call or click away!
Contact TheHotline.Org to speak to a trained professional that’ll help you figure out a financial strategy or shelter or sneak out plan, or find you other means of support.
Contact the National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health @ nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org or by phone: 1-312-726-7020 extension 2011 to speak to a trained professional that’ll help you find the right therapy or treatment plan for you.