Abusers or batterers will infinitely plead, “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, I promise,” or, “Please, forgive me, I swear I’ll get help this time, please don’t leave,” to control the relationship. Abusers will say anything (including threats), or do anything (such as, bribing, blackmailing, assault and battery) to coerce their victim into staying in the relationship. Then the cycle starts over again with empty promises and outright lies, until it ends with violence, just to start all over again. See the pattern here?
A relapse is not a learning experience for the abuser, they would have never relapsed if that was the case. However, the relapse should be a learning experience for the victim, to get out of the cycle, and fast! Abusers are motivated by their physical and financial grip over their partner. Their perverse sense of power leaves their partner conditioned to live in fear. Additionally, it is severely difficult to think safe and smart when living in fear because the rational side of the brain usually shuts down. That’s why a support team is essential! Two heads are better than one!
Living in fear not only causes mental and emotional confusion for the victim, it also empowers the abuser to continue the abuse. With that being said, where does abuse come from? It comes from the abuser’s negative belief system. Here are some of the negative belief systems, toxic beliefs, where abusive treatment is justified in the mind of an abuser:
- It’s the man’s job to put the woman in her place.
- The man is the head of the household, the woman’s job is to run the kitchen.
- A woman is not allowed to have male friends.
- Jealousy is an act of love.
- Do as I say, not as I do.
- Women are inferior to men, and therefore, should not be allowed to advise or criticize men.
- Women are inferior to men, and therefore, they need to be told what to do by men.
- Women are only out for what they can get from a man.
These toxic beliefs trigger relapses. Abusers do not see their partners as equals, they see their partners as inferior, and believe their partner must be subservient to them at all times. Abusers see their partners as weak, and take advantage of their partner’s vulnerabilities to control them. But, an abuser cannot hide signs that point to a strong possibility of a relapse. Here are some red flag relapse signs to watch for:
– The abuser outright denies fault or that there is even a problem, after screaming, yelling, and cursing, or making unnecessary physical contact.
– The abuser blames everyone but themselves for their life’s problems.
– The abuser blames his emotional state (anxiety, depression, anger, etc.) on others.
– The abuser starts speaking falsely and/or negatively about their partner’s friends and family, usually blaming them as the source of the problem.
– The abuser lives in a culture of abusers, meaning, they have friends who are abusers themselves.
– The abuser is always mentally and physically stressed.
– The abuser thinks they know it all, and believes that they are always right and everyone else is always wrong.
– The abuser is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.
– The abuser complains about sex or demands to have sex.
– The abuser gives threatening looks and gestures.
– The abuser harbors resentment towards their partner, continually keeping score.
– The abuser uses demoralizing, demeaning, and derogatory comments towards their partner.
If you notice these signs, one way to prevent violent escalation is to create a Relapse Plan. A Relapse Plan is a last ditch effort, to identify, root out, and re-direct abusive behavior. A Relapse Plan is a viable option if you are in favor of offering your partner one last chance.
Write a Relapse Plan
Step 1 – Do your homework. Organize your support team. Talk to friends, family, employer, shelter, anyone you trust, that are able to provide you with safety, food, transportation, money, and shelter, just in case the Relapse Plan fails. Let your support team what you are planning to do, and that you may need their help in case things don’t work out.
Step 2 – Observe and identify the abusive behavior or potential abusive behavior in the relationship. Write a list of these observations that are inappropriate and unacceptable to you.
Step 3 – Pick an appropriate time, place, and mood to share the list with your partner. It’s never a good time to show somebody their abusive behavior patterns after a long day of work, or when they’re high or drunk, or if they haven’t eaten or slept. Make sure you catch him at a good time and mood when sharing your list.
Step 4 – Lovingly, share your list with your partner, and empathetically explain to them why these behaviors are unacceptable and inappropriate. Then, if your spouse is understanding, ask them if they are willing to re-direct those abusive behavior patterns into positive ones, if and when they surface. If they are willing, go through some role playing scenarios and ask him to re-direct any fits of rage or jealousy or anger, etc. into something positive and constructive (such as, deep breathing, taking a walk outside, etc.). Anything that constructively calms their nerves and gets them back to center.
Explain to them with stern love, that these boundaries (the list you shared) cannot be crossed. If they are crossed the relationship must end. However, if they agree to disrupt their negative patterns with healthy and positive patterns, then the relationship can continue. It may even be a good opportunity to suggest group counseling or therapy to your partner to prevent physical and verbal abuse. Again, have your friends, family, money, shelter already thought out and in place, should a relapse occur, or if your partner isn’t willing to make the necessary changes for the relationship to work.
If you need help, contact TheHotline.Org to help you write a Relapse Plan today!