“It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one’s acts.” –Mahatma Ghandi
Abuses and excuses are inseparable, like harm and pain. One cannot exist without the other. Betrayal, rejection, abandonment, addiction, provoked anger, stress, financial upheaval, and jealousy are just a handful of excuses abusers use to explain their behavior. Abusers even cling to the adage, “Hurt people hurt people,” to explain why they lash out. Count on this: an abuser will always directly or indirectly blame the victim. As long as they are abusing they are excusing! Abusive men who subtly or overtly blame their significant other harbor a deep-seated resentment of women, whether or not they realize it, observes Michael Paymar, MPA, an expert in the field of domestic abuse.
In a nutshell, Paymar asserts that abusers have not explored the relationship between their thoughts, feelings and behaviors by examining how they create patterns that lead to violence and abuse.
Abusive behavior isn’t an external response, it’s an internal response. In other words, no one but the abuser makes himself abusive or violent. The abuser can choose to walk away, to remain calm, instead of being hooked on hate. Perspective creates behavior. In good or challenging times, our thoughts determine how we react to situations outside of our control. Our mental state and outlook on life will always determine our behavior.
Can abuser change? First, they have to end the excuses. A wise man once said, “Excuses emphasize helplessness.” Don’t do it. Second, they have to identify toxic and abusive thinking. Third, they have to replace toxic and abusive thinking by adopting a healthy view on life, such as, making life better for themselves and those around them. Toxic thinking always leads to a toxic and deteriorating life, toxic relationships, and abusive behavior. Healthy thinking always leads to a thriving life, one that bounces back despite setbacks.
What is toxic thinking?
For instance, the belief that women are beneath men, is, in all truth, a belief based on unconditional hate. This toxic thinking treats women like garbage. This malevolent belief not only produces violent and abusive treatment towards women, it also produces a conditional version of “love.” This is why abusers of this mindset are quick to find a reason to abuse women, but are unable to muster a speck of love when things don’t go their way. Additionally, abuser’s deep-seated resentment is linked to power. Abusers suffer from an inferiority complex; unconsciously or consciously, they believe that they lack power over their life. As a result, abusers attack the vulnerable (women and children) to feel superior and in control.
However, deep-seated resentment and power aren’t the only toxic perspectives that abusers maintain. Think about this: If you believe that violence should be used as a last resort to express outrage at your significant other, then you are, in a sense, at war with your companion. What you are expressing is that you have more might and/or resources at your disposal and will use them to get your way. What you are really saying (without saying it) is that peace will only last as long as your significant other continues to surrender to your terms.
Now think about this: Many polls indicate that at least half of the men in relationships do justify violence against their significant other! For instance, a poll by Richard Gelles found that 50% of men justify the use of violence if their significant other proved unfaithful.
Can toxic thinking change? Yes. Can abusers change? Yes. Change begins with a transformation of perspective. Abusers who struggle with anger management and relationship counseling are really struggling with their perspectives on women and life. No amount of therapy, anger management, or communicative tools will ever have lasting effect if an abuser doesn’t first put the work in to change their belief and values system. Behavior is linked to belief. Once again, our beliefs generate our behavior. This is why CBT (Cognitive-Behavorial Treatment) is so effective, because it creates a process of change by analyzing key elements of violent and abusive behavior.
Abusers can begin the process of change by answering the questions below to identify key elements of their violent and abusive behavior:
1. Name the abusive action.
2. Identify the intention for using that abusive behavior.
3. Examine the underlying beliefs that were used to justify the behavior.
4. Identify the feelings that motivated the abusive act, then connect those feelings to those beliefs that generated the abuse.
5. Become aware of how the abusive act was being minimized, denied, or blamed on the victim.
6. Examine the effects of the abusive act on your significant other, children (if any), and yourself.
7. Acknowledge how past uses of violence impacts your girlfriend or spouse’s responses to you.
8. Recognizing that there are always alternatives to using violence.
Change comes from being aware of the relationship one has with their thoughts and the lifestyle patterns it creates. Please, if you’re struggling, its time to control your emotions, instead of allowing circumstances to control them for you. Get the assistance you need today!
Contact the National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health @ nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org or by phone: 1-312-726-7020 extension 2011 to learn more about CBT and other treatment options for domestic abuse offenders.
We need your help! Get involved in preventing domestic violence today by contacting MenStoppingViolence.org to learn how you can play a vital role in preventing domestic violence.